I think all adopting moms could probably relate to the feelings I had towards this Mother’s Day: a little dread of how difficult the day could be separated from who your heart believes is “your child,” a little excitement in your spirit with the fact that indeed one day you’d be a mom, and just an overwhelming longing to be near your child(ren) that are in a faraway land. I walked into this Mother’s Day with a weary heart as the week before, Jake and I had heard some not so encouraging news from our adoption agency. The words: “it will take an act of God” – meaning, that it wasn’t looking good nor potentially going to go down the way we had hoped for, the way we had all planned. The news sent us a little bit, okay a lot, into a fearful mess. After all, it is so hard to fall in love with the idea of a specific little one running around your home, having dreams of her in your arms, and feeling confirmation that she is the one, and then…hearing those difficult words. It has rocked us and put us on our faces before the Lord constantly. There is still no resolution and more than anything now we are completely out of control. There is nothing at all to do except wait. pray. wait some more. pray even more. This place has forced us to surrender all of our ideas of how it should go, all of our (whatever we thought we had?) control, all of our hopes, etc. to the Lord. It’s also made us question His goodness – and the questioning has been good because it’s has reminded us…
That He gives His children good things. (Matthew 7:9)
How He works out the best for those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)
How He is able to do more abundantly than all we ask or think. (Ephesians 3:20)
And finally, how good + true + comforting it is to take Him at His word. To really believe it – to even put aside the circumstantial words that we are hearing from even our agency, and still trust His calling, and His word to us.
That’s where we are. The hardest part could be yet to come. But in this mama’s heart, I know without a doubt in my mind that this season, even this scary part, is what I’ve been called to as a mama. Because a mom is somebody who is willing to “keep on loving when it made no sense because that’s what love does,” Ann Voskamp says. Moms are the ones that are the grace extenders – they see the potential in their child or in a situation and keep on giving, again and again. Moms fight for what’s theirs…they do whatever it takes, just like Jesus did. Because He gave all for us, we are able to walk in His power to love and keep on loving and to hope against all odds.
On Mother’s Day – the Lord led me past my discouragement a bit and reminded me to pray for my daughter’s own birth mom – the mom who she was born to, who carried her for 9 months, and who was so brave to save her daughter’s life by giving her away. That type of motherhood – I may not ever fully grasp the depth or tragedy of completely – but I am thankful, so thankful for that little life that will one day be home.